Bye Satan - The End of Self Sabotage

“Get thee behind me, Satan."

It's me. I am Satan. Satan is me.

Not in the literal sense. So, please, sheath your bibles, torahs'; whatever artillery you have for religious warfare. They are not needed here. That's because I am not alluding to the all-encompassing manifestation of evil. I am not referring to him/her/them/it. Whatever adjective works for you, just try forgetting the first image that comes to mind each time the arch-nemesis dude’s name comes up in this post.

Although... I have now realized that asking you to forego the thought of said revered/hated angel of darkness is making all of these lean toward the direction of Schoedinger's cat thought experiment.

Do you want to forego the thought? Or do you not want to?

Let’s put a hold on that thought, shall we? Or should we?

What then is my similarity to the famously depicted pointy-nosed, pitchfork-wielding-twisty-horned goat-person and all that red glittery skin? (My skin obviously doesn't shine red.)

Well...

HERE IS YOUR ANSWER...

**Self-sabotage. **

Self-sabotage - self-subversion. (Merriam-Webster)

I have willingly and unwillingly self-sabotaged myself in more ways than I can count.

Is it prison? Theft? Drugs?

No.

There have never been any over-the-top self-sabotage travails in my gallery of wrongdoings that would add to my story of triumph. Sorry to disappoint.

“So… what is it?” You might ask.

Hold on to your horses. I promise I’ll get right to it.

In earnest, we all have self-sabotaging moments. You know yours, don’t you? Of course, you do. The first step to any recovery is admitting there is a problem. Use this blog post as my mysterious confirmation that I also have one. Or a few. Depends on who’s asking.

Self-sabotage is the self-imposing hurdle that has had me relegated to the corners of self-limitation. The kind that pedestalizes procrastination.

That's where ideas go to die. That's where the majority of people go to find comfort. And like most people, I have inadvertently spent a huge chunk of my 20s in that corner.

Things were easier back when all I had to do was show up to the dining table and there'd be food waiting for me. Kids don't have to worry much about where the food comes from. It's simple... I didn't ask to be born. Regardless, I do acknowledge and appreciate that certain sacrifices had to have happened for me to be here. And, I would eternally be grateful for them.

Fast Forward to the Present

I am not a kid anymore. And reality beckons at every tick of the clock. Being an adult, what scares me the most is how fast time flies. The movement of time is constant. It only moves toward the future. And it doesn't care for my, your, or anybody else's self-indulgence and/or guilty pleasures.

Time shows up without fail. It dawns on you, like a tax collector, to collect accountability expenses. As far as you have air in your lungs, you have some time in your hands to use or misuse as you deem fit.

Would it be time well spent? Would it be maximally utilized in activities that would push you closer or further away from attaining your short-term/long-term goals? Would your name stand the test of time and echo impacting tales of glory on mount success or would it atrociously remain in the alleyways of mediocrity? Either way, time tells. It always does.

When a person can't find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.

• Victor Frankl

What has been my guilty pleasure(s)?

The Big Reveal

Spoiler alert! It is not what you think.

Here goes nothing.

The time I have spent postponing real-life challenges all went to excessively hopping from one university to another collecting certificates that I now consider unnecessary.

That’s CRAZY!

I know.

Admittedly, I have gained life-impacting takeaway lessons from those experiences. (Talk about turning weaknesses into strengths).

If it helps, you should know that I shamelessly have a habit of binging TV. That’s not healthy or in favor of productivity. In my defense, I was needlessly rewarding myself for so many years of studying.

My other Toxic Habits

What else do I shamelessly indulge in? Hmmm... Let's see...

I can go hungry for hours and be slightly unbothered about it. STILL NOT HEALTHY.

I know!

The last one is not being able to sleep at night or take a shower without exercising. I AM ADDICTED! Ahaha...

I know!

Happy?

Or not... Either way, you should know that I’m working towards a balance for all the above.

Collecting Dust

I do have a couple of certificates. But, honestly, the best they have offered me thus far is a false sense of hope, empty promises, and assurances that left me content with less — even though the empty kitchen drawers, fridge shelves that met my gaze, and my growling belly would all disagree. You know… that hand-to-mouth situation of always scouring for the next paycheck? Wriggling on the bed at 3:00 AM thinking about how the present moment is a culmination of all your actions from years ago? I am referring to that.

Light At the End of the Tunnel

I am doing a 180. I have commenced a journey for what would restore calm in my life; my transition into tech with the #100devs cohort of ‘22. So far, I would say it's awe-inspiring. The community is out of this world inclusive and welcoming in all the right ways. (More on this in the weeks that follow)

Taking Back Control

For the longest time, I have learned to not blame others for my misfortunes. This life is 100% my responsibility. I make the decisions that pertain to me. In that regard, I blame the version of myself I denote as Satan; the part of me I have effortlessly tried to exorcise to no avail.

Now, however, I can tell with conviction that I am on a pathway to self-fulfillment. My journey has begun. I have never been more certain of what I want to do moving forward. That’s why I decided to quit doing a Business Administration Ph.D. to focus on what matters. And I am looking forward to when I will stop blaming myself.

That's when it’d be safe to assume my REAL EDUCATION has gained some momentum.

Identifying What's Necessary

It doesn't matter if they are short-term or long-term identifiers. What matters is that they exist. And I have categorized mine via the following;

• Deciding what would fuel my passion for my pursuits.

• Making a list of the people I would like to emulate, the books I would love to read, and the things I'd learn from them.

• Making a list of the relevant soft and hard skills that would propel me in the right direction.

• Making a list of all the beautiful places I'd like to go to for vacation.

• Without fail, making a list of investment decisions I'd like to make in the near future.

• Identifying the lives my choices would benefit or ruin; good or bad.

Cheers!

Here is to when I would celebrate crossing the above list items off of my to-do list in a few days. “Days? Oh, come on! Be practical Jack.”

Years... I meant years.

Here's to freedom and incoming accomplishments.

Here's to living a sustainable life that is full of growth.

Here's to garnering up on the internalization of transferrable value and the accumulation of self-esteem. Not the kind of self-esteem that is boastful. But rather, the kind that is admirable.

If you have been stuck on a loop of anything that has the slightest resemblance to compulsive indecisiveness…

Know this…

You have got all the grit, qualities, and qualifications to change that situation. And you owe it to yourself to rightfully do just that.

Stagnation only becomes your reality when you let it helm your destiny.

Go Forth & Prosper

In the midst of it all, remember to be kind to yourself and know that you’ve got this. All you need to do is show up daily and celebrate the small victories of your GENUINE EFFORTS. Journeys like these should be marathons. Not a race.

And if any of this were to go south, still hold your head up high knowing that you gave it a shot.

Trust your gut knowing that making attempts and constantly failing doesn’t impede the achievement of your goals. It only slows them down a notch. Hence, it should not matter as much.

What should matter...

Is that you keep moving forward. That’s a lot better than not trying at all.

So join me in saying…

“Get thee behind me, SATAN!”